ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
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AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer