*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
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A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.