*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
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this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Always 🥴
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.