*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
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I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.