*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
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*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I like long walks away from everyone
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Priorities
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels