Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
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Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste