Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
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Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
True
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.