Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.