Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
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Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.