Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
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[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.