Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

mathematically impossible

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta