Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.