Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again