Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]