Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
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“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?