The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
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You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?