Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
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receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
me hitting on a model
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding