Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop