Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
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howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Don’t make me out nice you.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted