Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
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you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?