Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
You Might Also Like
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?