Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
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I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy