Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
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Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
incredible text to wake up to
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks