Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed