I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
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I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.
Me: the eagles won last night
Co worker: oh did you watch the game
Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game
Spelling is very important in cosmetic surgery no one wants buttocks injected into their face
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…