Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

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I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.


I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker


I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.


Me: the eagles won last night

Co worker: oh did you watch the game

Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game


Spelling is very important in cosmetic surgery no one wants buttocks injected into their face


In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection


KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious


[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan


genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month


My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…