Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds