Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
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If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I am patiently waiting for your email
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?