Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.