Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pringles

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Simple enough.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.