Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.