RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
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My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
ugh not again
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.