RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
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Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that