RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
You Might Also Like
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.