run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
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I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!