“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
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Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes