[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
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there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him