[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
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you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately