@3sunzzz

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

You Might Also Like

@_JOSHEDWARDS_

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

@a_simpl_man

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

@brianbowman73

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

@aneesa_p

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

@OctopusCaveman

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

@Scdavis24

Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?”

She’s been talking nonstop for the last two days now.

@chrissyteigen

Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they’re bars and she’s an old timey prisoner with a tin mug

@parsfarce

me: *seeing the Statue of Liberty* oh my god

apes: *smiling* yes, as you can see, we have taken over the ea-

me: we got one of those on my planet!!! it’s called earth and it’s where I’m from!!!

@psybermonkey

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror