[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

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My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.


At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist


I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.


Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.


Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!


Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?”

She’s been talking nonstop for the last two days now.


Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they’re bars and she’s an old timey prisoner with a tin mug


me: *seeing the Statue of Liberty* oh my god

apes: *smiling* yes, as you can see, we have taken over the ea-

me: we got one of those on my planet!!! it’s called earth and it’s where I’m from!!!


*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror