[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
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A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Favourite diary entry ever
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.