You Might Also Like
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Seems a bit forward
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.