Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
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Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Namaste
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.