Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf