Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

“We will wed,” I threatened

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.

Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines