Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭