Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
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[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
just arby’s bein’ a bro
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer