Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.