Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
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For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
