Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

My whole life was a lie.

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal