Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
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Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Smells like a challenge to me
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.