Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
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Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
You better wish for more oil
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”