[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
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*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
When I can’t barge, I careen.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.