Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

Oh my god

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”