[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
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Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I’m good, thanks.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.