[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.