Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
You Might Also Like
ATMs should have breathalyzers
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Herpes is trending, good job people
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french