[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
How I’d get arrested…
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Look, a pure bread cat!
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool