[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My support group can outdrink your support group.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
Perfection.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
this… may be the greatest story ever told
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”