[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.