[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My dream car is a taco truck.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
