[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.