running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
