running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Can’t stop laughing
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Living the best life.. 😊
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
