Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
bags with threatening auras
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Meanwhile in Portland…
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
A woman drives into a bar.