running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
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You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
happy mother’s day❤️
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I’m crying im so happy for them
Worth the read.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Important
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.