Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

i prefer mine room temperature.