running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
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If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Sign of the day..
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*