Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies