Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
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I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.