Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping