Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke