running feels great unless you compare it to not running
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What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
A choir of Spring onions
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.