running feels great unless you compare it to not running
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Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.