running feels great unless you compare it to not running
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One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
fr
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
That’s easy for you to say
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering