Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

“That’s what” – She

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.