Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

quarantine day 3

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.