Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her: